What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
