Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
