so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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