I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
