Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
