She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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