I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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