Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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