K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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