i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
