Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
