Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
