There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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