i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
