I smell stomach acid.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Randomize
