I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
