Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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