his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
