He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
