$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
