areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
