so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
