Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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