Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
