My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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