So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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