y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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