What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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