dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
