On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
