my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
