i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The beer is more important than you right now.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
