Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
