my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
we're so committed to being not committed
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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