do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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