I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
