shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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