So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
