WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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