EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
