Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
