i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
