Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
