She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
