you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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