So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
