I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize
