and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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