Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
