I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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