My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
