bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
